Mary Jane's Place, Freshman Year, Column 2

Only the deaf survived 

It was a quiet, dark, and stormy night.  Suddenly, a note rang out and reverberated around the quad.  For you trivia buffs, the note was a B flat, but that isn't important right now.  Who sent out that note heard round the quad is unclear and unimportant, for once the war began, there were no spectators, and only a few survivors.

I managed to talk to a few of those survivors, to find out what exactly happened, and much more importantly, why.  All of them have asked not to be identified, as their mothers always told them not to play with more than five watts per channel.

"Bill" remembers the night this way:  "I was asleep when it began.  I had just finished my rhetoric paper and decided to get a fifteen minute nap before I started on my math.  Well, anyhow, I heard something by Rush coming out of Hell Suite, and I knew that this wasn't just an isolated skirmish.  This was war.  The next to respond were some guys from a place known only as Stereo Suite.  They started up side one of Led Zeppelin IV off a compact disc recording, and the noise level was so low it would have made Mozart cry.  Of course, it was also so loud it would make a blind man deaf and a deaf man dance, and ..."

I'm sure that you all will be happy to know that "Bill" has been shot for being incurably idiotic.  Next is a more reliable witness, whom I shall call "Wilma."

"Sure, I heard the Rush, and then I hear Robert Plant screaming his lymph nodes out, but that was all just a flash in the pan.  It seems that South's intelligence service had heard about this surprise attack and mounted all their speakers in the courtyard.  They started Wagner's Ride of the Somethin' or Others, and all of West began to tilt slightly towards Scripps.  It seemed that the saying 'WIBSTR' was true no more."

Now, a retort from a West-sympathiser who I believe is named "Horatio."

"That chick is like all wrong, you know?  West didn't tilt because of South!  We was leanin' 'cause of the sheer force of three huge speaker cabinets, each run by its own stereo system, were turned to the same radio station at the same instant in the space-time plasma, don't you know?  The fact that the stations were playing Muzak for the rest of the night didn't diminish the effect at all.  It was still awful loud."

Now, the true story will almost certainly be told by my next witness, who was said to be sleeping in front of South when the battle began.

"No, he won't, man!"

"He sure as hell will!"

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but there seems to be a bit of disagreement among the ear witnesses to this affair.  Now "Horatio" seems to be threatening "Wilma," and ... Oh, it looks like "Wilma" has kicked "Horatio."  It was a dirty shot below the belt, but effective all the same.  Well, as it was, I was at this battle, and I can tell you what happened.

"The hell you can!"

What?  "Wilma?"  Hey, look, keep that foot away from me!  "Wilma!"

POOF

I awoke and turned off my cassette deck, and the only question is, Was it live, or was it Memorex?